I heart "Funitions Day!"

Playing over the small speakers in front of me a is a band I've come to really enjoy lately. Meet "Manchester Orchestra."
Hi guys!

They're an indie/rock band out of Atlanta, Georgia, and they're quite a lot of fun to listen to.
Today is "Funitions Day" where I take studying for a final and make it not so oppressive. Without further ado, lets experience some words and definitions together that would make any healthcare worker either collapse in disbelief or run screaming "I need an adult" from the building.

Presbycusis: a way to tell your grandparents they're losing their vision and shouldn't drive any longer without saying "PULL OVER PULL OVER PULL OVER!"

Astimatism: "A what? I can't see what you're saying."

Otalgia: "My ear hurts." "Your ear hurts?" "Yeah, it hurts." "Where?" "All over." "All over?" "Yeah." "Oh. That's really weird. You're like thirty years old. I don't think that's normal."

Autism: Have your best friend with you to say you have this, and you're allowed to throw a rock at anyone you want.

Cephalgia: "I have a headache." "Oh. That's called cephalgia." "Whatever. My head hurts."

UTI: If you don't know what this means, you're a man.

Alopecia: "Alopecia, alpaca...same thing." Those two words would mean a bald llama.

Lesion: What your physician puts down when you have a mole removed so the insurance company isn't sure whether or not it was cancerous, and they cover you anyway.

Masticate: It only means to chew! Jeez.

Halitosis: When your child says "I already DID!" and they truly have brushed their teeth but their breath still smells repulsive.

Bipolar Disorder: When your North and South poles swap places in a five minute-span. (See: menstrual cycle)

ADD: All Dad's Doing.

Anesthesiologist: The man who's sole job it is to make sure they wake back up.

Glaucoma: So let's say that your eye is a nicely filled water balloon. If you were to start adding water slowly, drop by drop, the pressure would grow and soon all you'd be able to see is not much at all. (Hint: sunglasses don't help this.)

Strabismus: What occurs when one of your eyes figures the other one's got it.

Proctologist: Someone has to do it. Someone has to look up butts all day long. (And I don't mean they find them in the dictionary either.)