Thursday, August 19, 2010

Featured Article

I read an article in the magazine "Time" today that listed their rather disappointing list of top ten things "kids these days will never experience." Here is what they listed.

Camera Film
Landline Phones
Real Books
Being Lost
Music Videos on MTV
The Glory Days of Nick at Nite
Tan M&M's
Arnold Schwarzeneggar, the Terminator

Now if you're anything like me (i.e. human) you looked at the above list and thought "huh?" And while an editorial piece that starts with "the top ten things" is just that, a perspective or opinion...COME ON. Really? Tan M&M's? YOU CAN'T TASTE THE COLORS. And why did Arnold Shwartzy make the list with his Terminator movie? This is a list for kids! Oh, and that's right, I went there. That doesn't stop the brown M&M's from being the least best, but that also is a matter of perspective.

I bring you with no further ado, the Authoritative List. The list that should've been but wasn't. The top ten list of (loud booming voice) NO CONTENTION!


The Top Ten Things Kids These Days Missed Out On Unless You're Willing to Bring It Back
Calvin and Hobbes. Rebellious, sarcastic, insightful, brilliant, and very much 6, this cartoon strip is the epitome of greatness in picture publishing hilarity and just all around a riotous good time.

Winding the cassette tape back in with a pencil while hoping the whole time that the music wasn't ruined, which it never was. If you haven't had to do this then..I don't really know. I don't know why this is significant or important, but it's definitely important for some reason. Maybe so your Donut Man songs could be played and danced to over and over again.

Barney. Love him or hate him, this disgusting and vile contemptible influence of feigned innocence is nonetheless one of the most famed characters of all time to be subjected to fake or pre-meditated killings. Every child knew how they would kill Barney.

Sesame Street. Not Elmo's World. The real show, the one that portrayed adult personalities like all-around angry individuals that were green and hairy, elephant-sized downers, clueless birds that walked around all the time doing not much in particular, aggressively happy small red people, always hungry individuals that were ruled by their sweet tooth, two men who lived together as just friends and sang together often, and interracial informational musicals that obviously pre-dated Dr. Laura's comments.

Walkie-talkies. Their inherent joy is entirely lost on a generation of cell phone users that are in on a family package that includes their own data plan and smart phone beginning at age 7. "But we want to know where our little Craig Bumblebutt is all the time, and this way I can reach him!" Nice. Hence the dead, lifeless stare when I explain "look Craig! Now you can go across the street into the neighbors' yard that has the pitbull and I can stay here in the living room and we can talk to each other! That's what these are for!"

Roller Blades. I'm not exactly sure where they went, when they disappeared, or how come they still aren't one of the most awesome ideas on the planet. They even work really well. Was it the seven minutes they took to put on or take off? Or was it the exponentially worse feet smell you assaulted the world with then they finally came off? Did too many people die in roller blades? Were they finally banned from being used in public by the United States government? We don't know. But they're gone. And the nineties hair styles are coming back without the footwear to accompany them, and it sucks.

Legos. While you may argue pointlessly that "they are still very popular" or that kids these days "DO PLAY WITH LEGOS" you are very, very wrong. While still very much present, they are only alive in spirit. Legos themselves are dead. The Lego sets you buy in the store are what I affectionately call the "Michael Eisner" version of the toy. The core pieces are still barely present, but the prices are more expensive somehow. Whole Star Wars sets of battleships and speeder bikes now come with a grand total of about...twelve pieces. There are so many different kinds of lego pieces now it's difficult to find blocks and squares i.e. "I need a six-long, I'll trade you for my four-long or a chair, which is really rare" is very much dead. Here's to you real Legos. Kids don't realize how much MORE fun it was back in the day. And if you don't know who Michael Eisner is, you're probably not agreeing with or understanding any part of this list.

Easy-Bake Ovens. The only thing easy about them was that they were easily the worst idea ever concieved. Complicated, dangerous, expensive and poorly marketed, these violations of all children's rights in America were around for a long time...AND YOU CAN STILL BUY THEM. Why. Why? WHY? They have made the top ten list because thankfully today's children don't know what they are, but please keep it that way. It's a good thing kids today missed out and continue to miss out on them.
Blisters on Your Left Thumb. Unless you somehow have preserved a Nintendo 64 for the last eight hundred years, it's very, very difficult to get a blister on your left thumb any other way than the hours of laughter and joy that the gameplay provided.  

Pogs. Because playing for keeps when you're not allowed to isn't as fun with anything else on earth


If any of the above you truly, truly miss, don't worry. They're not completely gone. Montana still thinks most of the above is so great and has caches and volumes upon volumes of everything that used to be awesome.

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