Thursday, September 20, 2012


Someone asked me what I did for work at school the other day. Curious as to their reaction, I answered "I'm in sales."
The person I was talking with got up, packed his books, walked out of the classroom and dropped out of college.

People loathe individuals in sales because pretty much everyone has had a crappy experience from a bad sales guy.
It probably looked something like this:

"Do you carry any [insert need]?"
"No but we have this. This is better. This is more expensive. You don't know it but you actually need this. You're stupid for not knowing you need this. If you don't buy this right now you run the risk of being very very stupid."
"Oh, okay. How much is it? I only have six dollars."
"I can run a credit report and we'll get you on an easy payment plan today this very second don't delay because you don't want to climb the stupid ladder. Get in my office. Sign all this paper work. Get a 9th credit card because ours is better. It has worse rates. No one cares about the APR anymore, that doesn't matter. You need this. I can see you getting stupider by the second."
"Alright. When will I get this [insert thing needed]."
"Three weeks. Any other questions?"
"No, I'm just sad about everything that happened here today."
"There's free popcorn over there if you want some."

Want to avoid being the bad guy in sales?

The Key To Closing The Deal Every Time (or TKTCTDET)

1. Ask them what they're looking for. This is important because if you don't ask them, you probably won't find out. Plus it gets them to talk more, which gives you +5% in hit points because everyone likes the sound of their own voice more than yours. By extension that means the more they talk, the more they like you.

2. Listen to them tell you what you're looking for. This is important because if you don't listen to them while they're speaking, you won't know what they're saying. Unfortunately some people share urban myths or suggested methods around this when in fact, there are none. This gives you +5% hit points as well.

3. Say something to make them laugh. If you don't do this, they run the danger of feeling like a customer. This gives you +6 hit points.

4. Say these exact words: "Good news, we have exactly what you're looking for." Often times this step is avoided for the reason that the sales person is mildly dumb or alcoholically incapacitated at some level. Why is this so imperative? Because if you don't say the words "we have exactly what you're looking for" it leaves the customer wondering "do they have exactly what I'm looking for?" This gives you +4% health.

5. Tell them as few details about the product that best fits their needs. Why not tell them more? Let me put this as simply as I can: THEY DON'T CARE. They already explained in great detail what they needed from you, and if you followed step 2, then you both know that what you're giving them will meet those needs. This gives you +8% experience.

6. Tell them the price. If you don't tell them the price, they won't know. While this may be complicated, it's still vitally important. Continuing on to step 7 without them knowing the price can cause much bruising of feelings, which should be avoided at all costs. This gives you +5% hit points.

7. If the customer disagrees with the price, agree with them. I like to call this the "defense game." The person who is on defense automatically loses and after the phone call/interaction is over, must punch themselves in the face thirty times. If the customer doesn't like the price and wants to haggle, take the product away from them and move to a cheaper product. Tell them that this less expensive product was created with them in mind, and that the first, best product is now out of their reach.
They can't have it.
You can tell them this any way you choose. I suggest something like this:
"I agree. That is a lot of money. Great news though (everyone likes to hear great news all the time) we do have this product. It's less expensive and will suit your needs just peachy. We've altered these aspects to make it cost less, which seems to be exactly what you're looking for. This gives you +10% special powers.

8. Close the deal. Some suggested ways of making this happen are as follows.
"May I go ahead and get your order? I'll need your credit card information or you can send me a check."
"How would you like to pay for this?"
"Would you like me to send you an invoice? We'll need half upfront to start work on this for you."
"Unless you have any other questions, I'd like to go ahead and get the payment process started."
If you walk away from the sale with a promise of purchase or another appointment, you have lost and should punch yourself in the face thirty times. +5% experience points.

9. Accept their credit card information for the first, more expensive product you showed them. Everyone only wants what they can't have. For instance, I have literally never stopped wanting a dinosaur. Why? Because I know I can't have one. If by some miracle I was given a dinosaur, I'd want a comet. This would be fine with me, as it would probably kill the dinosaur so I could go back to wanting one again. +100 gold coins.

Once you've leveled up you can move on to more advanced equipment and training in things like:

Avoiding the Awkward Pauses.
How to Meet Anyone
Dealing With People Who Have Already Decided They Hate You
Fixing Your Mistakes
Connecting With Weird People
The 5am Phone Call Sale
Someone Who Just Wants To Email Forever
The Sale Under Pressure or: Talking While Holding Explosive Diarrhea In

*Quick Fact: it was also the worst film in universe history.

1 comment: