Friday, September 28, 2012

'Merica's rough past.

In the last quarter of the seventeenth century, a series of crises rocked the European colonies of North America. This would become the first time Apple outsold themselves, as there was an issue with one of their factories and it rapidly became apparent that while there were enough iSextants, the glass manufacturer was not able to keep up with the demand. Also, there were hundreds of rich v. poor, free v. slave, and settler v. Indian conflicts that began to erupt as people in the New World, or "Brooklyn" tried to learn how to get along.
The bloodiest and most bitter conflict occurred in southern New England, where in 1675 an Indian alliance launched attacks on farms and settlements that were encroaching Indian lands, all the while yelling incomprehensible gibberish about "unfair wages" and "3 cents an hour with 3 cents an hour tax isn't fair."
New Englanders described the Wampanoag (named after the snow monster from planet Hoth in Starwars who makes "lemonade" snow cones) leader "Metacom" (predecessor to Kim Dotcom) as the uprising's mastermind. This proved to be false, as the Indians operated under no leadership for this attack. This was the second misconstrued idea in the New World. For the first, Google: Half-Way Covenant on your iSextant.
The attacks continued, and soon the Indians had attack nearly half of the New Englander's settlements. A year and a half later the tide finally turned when the Indians bent down to tie their shoes all at the same time, and the New England settlers gained the upper hand immediately.
Needless to say, Metacom was captured and executed, or maybe executed then captured, no one really knows.
No longer welcome, the Indians were forced to move from their homes and board ships to become servants in the West Indies "it's really fun there, we promise", and the New England colonists walked around feigning surprise at all the property and crops that were now at their disposal.


The restoration of the English monarchy when Charles II (or Charles the Two Eyes as he was more commonly referred to as) assumed the throne in 1660 sparked a new period of colonial expansion.
This was done through new trading ventures, such as the chartering of the Royal African Company (they had to do with Africa) and giving them monopoly of the slave trade. Or giving the slaves Monopoly games to trade, no one really knows.
Within a generation, the number of English colonies in North America doubled. The first area to come under English control was "New Netherlands," seized in 1664 during an Anglo-Dutch war that also saw England (or the Anglos) gain control of Dutch trading posts in Africa.
This took place during a several hundred-year world-wide event not mentioned in the textbook called a "Seizing Party" wherein every nation on the planet worked on seizing as much land, resources, trade or mercantilism as possible. Originally there was a planet-wide agreement that this party was "not for keeps" but as is always the case with "not for keeps" it was in fact, for keeps.
King Charles the Two Eyes awarded New Netherlands colony to his brother James the Duke of York after an embarrassingly short arm wrestling match, conceding to him that he could have the region "and make all the rules he wants to." This is actual history. He really told his brother that. Hence the colony became "James the Duke of York", a name every "James the Duke of Yorker" loathed, so they promptly shortened the name to just New York, but haven't stopped being bitter about everything since.

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