Friday, June 8, 2012


I’ve rarely met a wall I ended up hating. Walls are like people: most of them get along with me, and I with them. You can mostly depend on walls. I say mostly because one time I tipped my Dad’s wheely office chair backwards and the wall moved so I fell and hit my head on the floor. Got mad about that one. Did the wall move? Psh. Of course not, where do we live, Narnialand? No. The wall didn’t move which is good, because that would be stupid. What the wall also DIDN’T do was lean forward just enough to catch me. Which is why I got mad at that particular wall. Was it the wall’s fault? Let’s talk about that for a minute.

No. Good talk.

It wasn’t the wall’s fault because walls don’t move. They can’t. I learned that at a very early age.
"Wait, what did he learn?"
I learned that because something can’t do something to stop something else from happening doesn’t mean you don’t necessarily get mad at that thing that didn’t do what you wanted it to do.
Case in point. Gas prices. You mad at them? Probably. Is it the gas prices fault that they’re so high? No. They aren’t smoking anything illegal, otherwise it would be their fault they are as high as they are, but they’re not, so it isn’t. That doesn’t mean you’re not mad at them though. I hear you, standing in line at your grocery stores and after church. “Gas prices” you say. “They’re so high!” And you’re mad about it. Which is cool, cause I’m mad too.

When I fell that early October morning (yes, it was October) and hit my head against that particular wall, my sister was watching. She laughed at me. “Why are you mad at the wall?” she sneered, with her sneering face. “Because it wasn’t there and it was supposed to be” I explained, only driving her vicious mirth onward. To you, laughing sister, I present this: how happy were you when you last filled up your minivan? That’s what I thought. Gas prices are pretty high, aren't they?
And the wall wasn't where it was supposed to be.
I only recently (two months ago) acquired all the words in my vocabulary necessary to complete the mammoth task of documenting this phenomenon. After extensive research I’ve determined that my ability to reason at this level of complexity at such an early age as this instance occurred (seventeen and a half) meant I had a very special gift of extreme intelligence.

For six months of my life I was a child prodigy. 


  1. You're obviously neglecting cubicle walls. They move. And they're walls. I should know. (^^ Higher reasoning complete.)

  2. I wonder how Moses and all of the Israelites felt about the walls of water. For all of their potential liquidity, God's hand holding them was immovable. But I don't think He made any promises about gas prices.