Thursday, June 7, 2012


Lots of people have too much ears. My wife would kindly point out "Sweetie, that isn't correct grammar" but in this case, she hasn't read what I've written yet. So it is correct grammar. Because the issue isn't the way the words are arrange or in what tense I'm writing – in fact I'm very relaxed right now, not tense at all – the issue is, plainly put, each ear just has too much ear to it. Not anything startling mind you. Just enough that while you're speaking to/with them, you privately notice "wow. God blessed you with some ears there champ, didn't he?" It doesn't matter how proper and composed you are, it's a unique fact of life that if someone has a physical anomaly attached to either side of their head, the rest of the world is obligated to notice.
This is 2012. Why haven't we (and by "we" I obviously mean some mildly overweight dude in his 50's) invented a solution to this problem that plagues America? I'm not being sarcastic either. "But James, you must be sarcastic. You can't mean that seriously." Oh, I do mean it. In all sincerity. Because I'm 24 and somehow have "all" the planet's sincerity within my grasp. I say that this is a problem that plagues America because it is A.) a problem and B.) because this is America. Gone are the plagues of locust, rivers turning to blood and crickets who play the banjo. We have entered into a new era. One where we have normal, everyday conversations with folks who have extremely large ears and pretend they don't know we're holding back our comments. If society allowed it I'm sure many people would come out with public statements such as "Yeah, I saw you there while we were talking. I could tell you were listening to me but you were distracted by my huge ears. I knew you weren't just talking with me about sports, you were really just not talking about my massive, oversized ears." But this is the world of CNN, MSNBC and Fox News. The truth is held captive and the world is forced to stay silent on the topic of large ears.
Not me. I stand before you clean and reconciled like a freshly mopped floor (yes, I know how to mop). No longer am I bound by the chains of other's physical features. I am free. You, random sir, and you, random ma'am, have large ears. And I can't stop looking at them. The fart in the room is out in the air and you may sniff if you like, but I for one, feel much, much better.

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