Thursday, May 20, 2010

Pepsi poop.

Even now as I sit on my front porch, the bright warm glory of the season soaking slowly into my chest. This is Denver at it's zenith, I can practically see the solar flares of downtown as it burns brightly and beautifully against the skyline. You see a cement jungle, I's hair, springing up with youth from the ground, humanity saying "hello, we're here."  It's the kind of day right now when your mind salivates with excitement that it is no longer cold and--I saw this going a little better in my mind.
See, I was inside the house making an iced coffee, jonesing to go outside for no apparent reason, the urge to write tickling at the back of my throat causing my fingers to itch. But when I sat outside, rapidly my passion for today faded.
It's pretty hot when you sit right in the sun with your shirt off. Plus the sun gets in your eyes so you can't see the words you're typing on the laptop so you make a lot of mistskes, and wearing sunglasses helps with the sun but makes it so it seems like you're typing with the screen off. There are a lot of little bugs flying around me, ones so teeny and gross looking I would never give them the distinguished title of "mosquito." They're just annoying and itchy. Itchy. My legs started sweating the moment I sat down and propped them up on a lawn chair. It also doesn't help that I inadvertently crossed my legs cutting the blood pressure off to my right foot causing it to swell and fall asleep almost immediately. It's probably already dead.
And so I move into the shade. Who goes outside and sits in the shade all day? Honestly.
"Hey Bobo, where were you for the past four and a half hours?"
"Oh, you know, sitting outside."
"I don't believe you."
"You don't? Why not?"
"You're not a centimeter tanner."
"Oh that, hahahah! I was in the shade."
"You were in the--what? What's the point of going outside and sitting in the shade?"
"Um...the fresh air."
"You could've stayed inside and opened a window on either side of the room. That's fresh air too."
"No it's not, the screens make it dirty."
"So? While you were outside a bird a quarter of a mile away pooped and that same air went into your lungs, only you didn't have a screen to filter the poop air."
"That's disgusting. And besides, birds don't poop."
"Yes they do."
"NO, they DON'T. They poop and pee at the same time."
"See? They do. You just said they did."
"No, I said they poop AND pee at the SAME TIME. That's different."
"No it isn't."
"Yes it is. It's called peep, they don't actually ever just poop."
"So wet poop air went into your lungs, that's worse."
"It built the antibodies in my immune system."
"So you went outside to get healthier? Why didn't you just stay inside, drink a glass of water with Emergen-C powder in it, take a multi-vitamin, and watch the National Geographic channel in HD?"
"Because that channel sucks compared to real life."
"No it doesn't. It's BETTER than real life. HD nature channels are ALWAYS better in real life."
"I was watching that channel the other day and I had to watch a Kangaroo vomit in HD."
"So? You were learning. You never could've learned that sitting outside in the SHADE."

*pause for a sip of iced coffee. Yum. Tastes like...summer.

"Outside, sitting in the shade, I learned about my neighbors, dogs, cats, little ants and bugs, the sun..."
"What did you learn about the neighbors?"
"They bought fresh lettuce and drink Pepsi, not Coke."
"That's dumb. I learned about how skis are made, watched a car race, and learned that jellyfish not only have no bones, but you can see their brain."
"You can see their brain?"
"Yep. I bet they swim around in groups of brain size and laugh at the biggest guy who has the smallest brain."
"You're the biggest guy in this house and you have the smallest brain."
"No I don't."
"Yes you do. You think sitting outside in the shade is a waste."
"It is."
"No it isn't."
"Yes it is. You don't get any vitamin D when you sit in the shade. You only get wet bird poop air in your lungs. What if someday a flock of geese flies over while your sitting there 'shading.' You'll really be screwed then and get some twisted form of avian flu for sure."
"What--what the? How do you even come up with this kind of stuff? What's wrong with you?"
"What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? I learned that the swine flu and bird flu are both the same strain of virus only mutated. And it's been around since at least 1917. Know where I learned that? The internet. I read it on THE INTERNET while sitting inside breathing in filtered air."
"Oh? Did you know that not only do we have dandelion weeds all over the front yard, but that our apricots are almost ripe? Sitting inside you never would've learned that and you would've had a disgusting front yard and missed out on weeks of healthy apricot vitamins because the squirrels would've eaten them all. You never would've known they were ready to be picked and eaten."
"Yeah, oh. So we're both right."
"Squirrels have pooped on those apricots you know. When the squirrel flu arrives, you're going to be the first one to get it."
"Whatever. want a Coke?"
"No thanks, I drink Pepsi."
"So do our neighbors."

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